[00:00:00] And welcome to the scary goals club. I am your host, Hazel Robertson. And I believe that to make the impact that you know, you're called to make in the world, it requires setting bigger, scarier goals, and then becoming the person who creates them. That is what I am here to show you how to do. That's what we're diving into.
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Come on in. You know, I was like, I was like, I'm going to put a picture up on Instagram story, like come join. I've literally not even brushed my hair and I need to pee. [00:01:00] Here we are. Let me just double check. Everything is working. I guess. Okay. Cool. I did check that earlier, but here we go. We'll do the hair sorting now.
There we are. We're here. Amazing. How are you guys doing today? And also, oh my gosh, I'm just not going to stop looking at my, stop looking at my hair. Stop, stop, stop. Right, um, so same thing if you haven't been on this call before. Welcome, um, there is a Q& A box down the bottom if you're on your phone. I'm not sure exactly how you get it.
Hello, hi, awesome that you're here. Um, either say hi in the Q& A or that's where we will be doing some workshopping stuff as well. You don't have to use the Q& A, but it's amazing because we can all learn from each other and all help each other as well. So, if you're doing good, how are you guys today? Okay, let's start this here.
I'm gonna stop fapping around Right, it's done. Hair is going away. [00:02:00] Uh, okay, cool. Let's get into today's session. Okay, so today, welcome to December. Today I, well, we are all going to be diving into failure and failings because this is something that comes up time and time again in Holding people back is a fear of failure.
So we're going to dive into it. We're going to really unpick like if this is you, like what's holding you back and then how we can maybe think about failure or like different ways of like developing and building the relationship with failure so that it doesn't feel as something that's as heavy because as often it can be quite like when we think of the word, well, here we go.
Let's just start like what comes up. Put it in the Q and A when you think, when I say the word fail or failure or failing. What comes up?[00:03:00]
Oof. Okay. And like, is that like a, the feelings kind of oof? Or what, like what else kind of comes up? Yeah. Oof. Okay. So like some other ones, certainly that like when I used to think of failure and I know like for a lot of my clients, it's the It's almost like, okay, kind of depressing, right? Yeah. So it's like failure, failing, it's depressing.
Oof. It's like almost this like heaviness around it. For me, and again, I see this with a lot of clients, is like failure in their minds means that they're a failure. Okay. So like failing at something, like a goal. [00:04:00] Okay. Failure. means that they're somehow a failure. It means that there's something, like, failure is often like bad, it's wrong, it's like oftentimes not a good thing.
That's how we associate it with our minds. And when you think about this, like, it makes sense, okay? So in the school system, we go through and it's like, okay, you do these things and then you get an A, like, don't get an F, don't fail, memorize these things, learn this stuff so that you can get an A, so that you can get things right.
So we're very much taught, certainly like at school age, is like, Right. This is good. There's a good way to do things. Get an A. Then it's like, we can often attach that to be like, then we're a good person and F is like bad. We've failed. We're a failure. Like there's something wrong with us. And so even just like, yeah, thinking about that whole thing, if you're thinking like I'm a failure or like failure means is bad, there's something wrong with me.
It's like, how does that make you feel? So you've already said, I've [00:05:00] already gotten the Q and A like oof or like depressing. What does it make you want to do? If you were thinking about like. Your goal or your business or something that you're like working towards and imagining like a fail within that or failing at something you're thinking about that and then you're feeling like oh for depressing like what does it make you want to go and do or not do because we can check in like behave like feelings are fuel for our behaviors so we can check in okay How are we feeling when we're thinking about failure and what does it make us want to go and do?
And so for me, and normally if I'm thinking about failure, I'm thinking, well, if I fail, it means I'm a failure or like if I fail is bad or failure is wrong or like something's wrong with me because I failed, it makes me not want to go and try things. It makes me not want to go and like put myself out there to try things where I might fail because I'm like.
Why would I do that? Like our brains are so [00:06:00] smart. They are so, so clever. And if we have this subconscious belief, same here, curl up and cry. Yeah, right, exactly. So it's like, if we have this subconscious belief that failure is bad, somehow it means I'm a failure, like, oof, heavy, depressing, and there's this subconscious belief, like, our brain's going to do all the work.
Everything to make us not, quote unquote, fail is going to do everything to move us away from it, like procrastinate, like put stuff off, like not do anything. So it's almost like when we get, when we're worried about failing because of what, not because like of failing, we'll get into getting a bit more specific about what that actually means, but like, It's not because of like what it is, it's because what we then attach as meaning, what our brain attaches as meaning of the fail about us.
We make a fail means something is wrong with us. And that's again, because it's like, we're taught don't fail, like get A's, do this. It's like our brain has made the connection like through society, [00:07:00] through our upbringing. Oftentimes this happens is like getting good results is good. Failing is bad in some way.
And it means I'm bad. It's the like basic of it. And so it's like, of course, we're not going to want to put ourselves in situations where we might fail because it's like, why our brain, our brain is so smart, it's wired to keep us safe. Why would it want us to put ourselves in positions where we're going to fail?
If it means that we're bad, something's wrong with us? Like it would rather just be like, no. But the thing is, when we don't actually, when we curl up and cry, or like, don't put ourselves out there, don't actually try things. We are also failing. We're just failing ahead of time. Like, we're still not going to go after the things that we ultimately want to go after.
Like, we're still kind of failing. We're not getting the result, but we're almost like, well, because I didn't try, then somehow that doesn't count. So I want to also offer there's different kinds of fails, but we'll get onto that. Okay. Let me just make another right there. So, um, two seconds. So, [00:08:00] what I want to offer is, instead, thinking about a fail as something that is neutral.
Okay? Now, again, this might be hard to get to because there's a lot of language, like, failure feels it, like, we feel, like, physiological response when we think about it, like, oh, oh no, fail, oh no. What if it's neutral? What if all it means is you had an idea of something that you, that you wanted to happen, And it didn't happen because some action was missed out, because there was something maybe missed in the planning phase, because, yeah, because you didn't do something, or because you missed something like in the planning phase.
What if that was literally all it was? Was you had an idea of something and you didn't need that. So it's like an unmet goal. I don't know. You could like neutralize, like fail often has like a very heavy language around it, but it's like, you could even neutralize that. It's like, okay, there was an outcome and it, it didn't happen.
And what I want to offer is the way that I like to think about it [00:09:00] is thinking of it like an experiment. Okay. So. I don't know if you did any science or anything at school or I did science at uni so it's like there's the scientific method which is you have an idea like a hypothesis you are testing it out and then you're getting kind of information back and then you're adjusting and then you're testing something else back and so there's never like It's not a fail.
It's just you're learning something new. You're getting more information and then you're readjusting and you're testing something else out. So it's like you have a hypothesis, you test something. Oh, interesting. I didn't do this. I missed that. Okay, this thing didn't happen. Right, let's test, rejig, test and go again.
And when we can actually start to think of, well, even now, like put in the, put in the Q& A, like when you're thinking about, trying something new where you might quote unquote fail, what if you thought of it like as an experiment, like you're gonna just test something out, like quite playful, it's like you're just testing it.[00:10:00]
What comes up then when you think about that?
For me, certainly, that, like, it neutralizes it so much. I'm like, oh, well, if I'm just testing, if it's just like science, if I'm just like experimenting, it's almost like, it's almost like failure is kind of part of it. It's like, well, of course I'm going to not get everything right. Of course I'm going to, like, make some mistakes and figure things out, but that's okay because that's kind of part of it all.
Okay, so for me, I think it depends if anyone else knows about it. Oh, interesting. So okay, so it's fine if it's just you. So what happens if someone else knows about it? Let's even go there. And then you experiment and you don't get the outcome that you want. You quote unquote fail. So it's like you try something out for whatever reason it doesn't work.
What is it like that you're worried someone else might think about you? Feel ashamed. Okay, [00:11:00] so shame often comes up when we think there's something wrong with us. So we think, not like, so guilt is like we've done something wrong, shame is like something is wrong with me. And so what is it that like other people, so what is it that would be wrong with you if you didn't get the outcome that you wanted?
You can even check in there.
Because it's so interesting because it's like that feeling of shame. Like, that's what your brain is trying to avoid. So if there's some, like, thing you really want to try, or like, thing that you want to go after, and then you don't do it, your brain is worried about feeling shame. So it's like, I'm just not gonna even do it.
Okay. So the, the feeling ashamed at disappointing others. Okay.
So [00:12:00] even knowing, like, it's just interesting to know where your brain is going to and just understanding it's like the disappointing others. And so even what, like, is there a specific goal you may be thinking about? Does it have others involved? Like even can, you can get a bit like curious about that. You don't have to put it like in the Q and A, but what is it?
I'm trying to think of the question I want to ask next. So what if someone else was disappointed? Like, you can even ask that.
And like, what comes up? Like, what if we can just let someone, like, maybe someone will be disappointed that you didn't get the outcome? What if that's okay? Because even just thinking, like, what is the alternative? Is the alternative to not try new things? To just kind of stay scared and like keep doing the things we always do?
Like, okay, maybe you do try things and [00:13:00] maybe some people will be disappointed. There might be others that are so inspired. Or there might be others that are like, you're courageous, you're brave, like well done for trying things. If everyone understood it was experimental, it would help. Okay, so oftentimes what can, like, We can be caught up so much in worrying, like, what others might think if we do something well, or we don't, or we fail, or we don't, and it's totally normal, okay?
So we are wired to be tuned in to what other people are thinking. We are wired to, like, seek connection with others, to feel part of the quote unquote tribe, and if we are trying things and it doesn't work and we're, like, failing or not getting the outcome that we want, That can feel really uncomfortable because we're like, oh, what are others going to think or for example, like I'm going to disappoint others and actually what And even you were saying here, like, if everyone understood it was experimental, [00:14:00] it would help.
Okay, so what if the only person that it matters to understand if it's experimental is you? Like, what if, and I know this isn't that easy, it takes practice, but, and it's not about like, not caring what others think, but it's caring more about what you think. And when you truly Like, decide what you want to believe about what you're doing, or like, decide what you want to believe about failing, or decide that you want to shift that relationship with failure.
What other people think doesn't matter as much. Because it's like, okay, they can be disappointed, they can think like, I tried this thing and I messed up and I'm, you know, whatever, they can think their thoughts, because, you know, we can't control what other people think. It would be amazing if we could, but we can't.
We can still like, be interested and try and influence, fine, but like, if we try and control other people, it's so exhausting. Instead, it's like, what do we want to think? What do we [00:15:00] want to think about failing? What do we want to think about trying things? What do we want to believe about like playing around and trying things and
hopefully you can hear me. Okay, where did I, I was on a, on a coaching rant. So, um, I'll go back to where I think it maybe was. So we, we can get so caught up in what other people think and it uses up so [00:16:00] much mental energy. And first of all, we can't control it. Second of all, it's like people can, can think whatever they want.
And second of all, like when we put our energy into thinking what other people think about us, we're missing the chance of like, what do I want to think about, about me? And what do I want to think about failing? And what do I want to think about what I am doing? And I promise you from coaching. So many to like dozens and dozens of people is like, everyone is worrying what other people think about themselves.
So it's like literally everyone is like, oh my gosh, what are they gonna think about me? No one is actually thinking and worrying about what you like. No. People are thinking about you less. Okay, let me rephrase this. People are thinking about you. And what you're doing way less than you think they are. I promise everyone is worrying about themselves and what other people think about them.
So it's almost like we're all worrying what everyone else is thinking about us. And it's like, what do you want to think about you? What do you want to think about what you're doing? And it's like the more that you can [00:17:00] be grounded in that. And again, like how you want to think about failure, how you want to think about showing up in a bigger way in your business and testing things and trying things and experimenting, When you can really, like, own that and be like, No, I'm just, I'm gonna test things out.
I'm gonna experiment. And when you feel good about it, it doesn't matter. Someone might be disappointed. They also might not. You might ever, you might not ever know about it. Someone also might not even notice. That is the other thing. They might be like, Okay, cool, they did this, and then they changed their mind, and they did this, and they tried that, and that's fine.
So I think, like, the key thing with all of this is, what do you want your relationship with quote unquote failure to be? And deciding, like, what if you thought, like, how else could you think about failure? And I can give you some ideas and like ways of thinking about it. First of all, it's like, it's an experiment, it's testing out.
And second of all, it's like, it's a way to learn. Like, if you think about how, like we learn, I think of like my son when he was [00:18:00] learning to crawl or learning to walk and he's like learning to speak. It's like, He didn't, you know, if he just like tried to just get up and walk, it's not like the first time he got up and fell over, he just like never got up again.
Or the first time he tried to crawl, he couldn't, and then he just like never moved again. It's like, he just kept trying, kept trying, kept trying. And he was failing the whole way. He was like trying, trying, trying, and he got there. And it's like, if you can just think about it. failure as it's almost like it's an experiment, it's testing you things, and it's like, it's just a step of getting information to decide what's next.
So it's like, oh cool, okay, that didn't, you know, with the walking exam, it's like, that didn't work, I'll try something else, that didn't work, I'll try something else. I love the idea of testing out and learning, much more fun. Right, that's it, it's like, because again, it's just like, stripped out of us, like. A lot of times at school and it's well meaning, but it's [00:19:00] like, you know, musket is and don't fail and don't fail.
And it's like, when you get out into the real world, real world, there's no like instruction book or manual for like how to actually do things of like, follow these things. And then you'll get a good result, follow this and like, do these things. And then you'll get the outcome you want, like life just doesn't work that way.
And so. Yeah. Cool. It's like how can we reframe failure as, yeah, like testing out, learning, it's play, like we're figuring things out. It's like all of it is just an experiment. Like all of life is an experiment of like, Ooh, this thing could be really cool. Let's go with this. Let's try things out, test things out.
Okay. I didn't get the outcome I wanted. What can I learn? Right. Now I'm going to try this. When we can like drop the label of. failure or fail of making it mean that something's wrong with us that we're letting others down and disappointing others when we could just release all of that and be like I'm just actually figuring things out um makes me want to try things rather than not attempt and not do the thing in case it goes wrong right yeah it's like you're almost [00:20:00] like of course something's going to go quote unquote wrong even the language of wrong but it's like of course I'm not going to get the outcome But I'm going to learn something and try again.
So it's like, thinking of every decision and everything you're doing as just like the next step. It's like, okay, what is this? Oh, cool. Right, what's this? What's this? And it's like, the more that we can make it something that's like, playful, and like, celebrate, Do it. It's almost like we celebrate doing the thing rather than the outcome.
So it's like, and again, I'm doing this a lot with my son at the moment. It's like, we're celebrating him like practicing, trying again, like, Oh, you've tried so hard, like, keep going, keep going. Whether he does it or not, like, you know, we're kind of a bit more neutral on the praise because we don't want to be like, you did it.
And it's like, if he didn't do it, that's also amazing. It's more like he practiced and he kept going. And so it's like, how can we do that with ourselves of like, Oh my gosh, you did it. You did something that was a bit scary. You tested out this thing. Okay, you didn't get the outcome. What did you learn? Oh, you learned that [00:21:00] because you showed up.
So it's like when you think about the different types of, of fails, there's the fail of like not doing anything because we're so scared. That is a fail, we're not learning anything, we're not like growing, evolving, we're not like doing anything new, creating what ultimately we know we want to like try out and create.
Or there's the like, okay, I'm going to give it a go, I might not get the outcome, or I might not get the outcome first time around, or I might not get it in the timeframe, but I'm going to give it a go and I'm going to celebrate giving it a go. That's the kind of quote unquote fails that we want is where it's like, I'm going to try it.
And let's just see what happens and what I can learn from it. And the key thing is like with all of this is how do you want to speak to yourself when you don't get the outcome you wanted? So think about that, like even put it in the Q& A if you want of like, what kind of things do you want to say to yourself and imagine like yourself as a little kid or imagine you're speaking to a little kid or imagine it's like a friend or a colleague, [00:22:00] whatever is like most useful.
What would you say to them if they, like, went and tried something and they didn't quite get the outcome they wanted, but they tried, like, they showed up, they did it, they were scared, they, like, generated courage, and they, like, did it anyway? That's what we want to be saying to ourselves. So even thinking no, because it's like, if we are hesitating from trying new things, Because maybe we're like, worried about feeling ashamed because we're gonna like, let people down.
It's like, those are things we're telling ourselves. You've let someone down, you've disappointed someone, you should be ashamed of yourself, like you're a failure. Those are things we tell ourselves and we feel terrible, we feel shame, like, of course we're not going to go and try something if we might not get the outcome and then we're beginning to be so mean to ourself.
Our body and brain is like, we're not even going to go there, not if you're going to be so mean to me. So it's like. The more that we can be kind to ourself and that we know that [00:23:00] whatever happens, we're going to be kind to ourselves, we're going to have our own back. It makes it so much easier to try new things where we are not going to get, we might not get the outcome.
Sometimes we will, sometimes we won't. Um, so yeah, if it was someone else, you'd encourage them to review and try again. Yeah, and you'd probably be, you know, kind about it, like, well done for trying. So that's the other thing, like, as you go through this, and again, thinking, again, with your scary goals of, like, what things do you want to try?
What things do you want to experiment with? How can you think of it as an experiment? And you can almost, like, get a piece of paper or a spreadsheet or, like, a Google, Google a spreadsheet or, like, a jar with stones in it. And every time you Go and try and do something and maybe you don't get the outcome or it doesn't quite go or like you just every time you even try something put a mark on the paper or like put a stone in the jar say something like super kind to yourself and you're just training your brain to be like well done for going like okay you felt [00:24:00] scared you were worried about not doing it quote unquote right or failing but you did it anyway and the more that you can build that muscle in that habit you The easier it's going to be.
And part of it is just completely changing the relationship with failing and failure, which is like, it's just an experiment. Like, of course, and it's like. If we can think about failure instead of as this like binary thing, like you're either like failing or you get the result, but it's like actually you're learning, like either way you're learning.
Either you get the outcome and you're like, Oh cool, that actually worked. Okay. What can I learn from it? Or you didn't get the outcome and you're like, okay, what can I learn and like adjust and like, what am I going to try next time? And so. The more, like, the more that we can drop back and not add all this, like, emotional heavy weight around failing.
The easier it is to actually learn from it and review it and like reflect on it because when [00:25:00] we attach not getting the outcome or like failing and we feel ashamed and we feel like terrible and we're beating ourselves up, we can't learn from that. We just, we just avoid it. We just like curl up. We want to cry.
We want to hide and we don't want to do anything and we're not able to put ourselves in those positions and like situations where we could actually learn so much about herself and be like, I'm also like. When we try something, like when we feel scared and we generate the courage and we actually try it, like not only does it feel amazing and we feel like excited and energized and alive, but like we feel so proud of ourselves for being like, I was scared and I did it anyway.
Like I didn't want to do it, but I did it anyway. Or I was a bit like, oh, and I did it anyway. So it's like, just knowing that, sorry, I realize there's like a bit of light on here, but Just knowing that, like, you're going to feel amazing after trying something as well. And there was, there's even something else, I can't remember where I'd heard it from.
I [00:26:00] did it for a bit. I haven't done it for a while, but it's quite fun. And it, it like completely flips how you think about failure, which is you have, again, you can do a spreadsheet, piece of paper, or like a jar and put something in it. And it's every time you have a fail, like an epic fail, like really try something and it doesn't work.
You put something in the jar and so it's almost like you're, you're going out of your way to have fails, to have things that aren't working. Because you think about it, it's like the more fails that you have, if you're going and trying all these new things and like, you know that some of them are going to fail and you're going to collect those fails, you're going to have so many more things that actually work that you're like, Whoa, this is amazing.
And bigger than I ever imagined it could have been. And so by flipping it, instead of like shying away and being like, Oh, I don't want to fail. It's like. Okay, what if I'm gonna get as many feels as I can? What if I'm gonna like, try all these different things or like, put myself out there in a bigger way?
You know, say it's like [00:27:00] posting, or asking people for something, or like putting yourself out there, or speaking in front of people, or asking for something where you might get a no. Whatever the thing is that feels like failure or rejection, if you can instead try and collect as many of those as you can, it completely flips it.
And it becomes almost a game of like, okay, cool. What can I do now that can like, move me more towards this rather than being this thing to be avoided. It's like, oh, this is actually just part of the learning and part of the growing. And it's like, if you think about any time Even though it can feel hard at the time, like any time over the last like few years say, the things that haven't worked out how you thought, often the times, if you can be kind to yourself, that you will learn the most from.
In the moment it can feel a bit like, oh, but that's where we actually learn the most, if we're able to just be present with it and not be mean to ourselves. So what do you want to think? What are, what are your key takeaways? What do you want to think about [00:28:00] fails now? Or how do you want to like reframe that?
What do you want to think about it?
Or what resonated the most in terms of, What you want to take away.
And also how you're feeling. If at the start it was like, oof, I'm depressing and like, oh, fails.
So want to avoid the word failure and go with experiments. Yeah, well, that's it. You actually get to decide. And it's like, whatever resonates for you. Like the language that we use is so powerful, like words. Different words can change how we feel depending on like our meaning and what we attach to it. So like, if failure just doesn't feel like a helpful word for some people, they're like, yeah, failure, and it feels like this very exciting thing where they were maybe like brought up to focus on it and celebrate failure.
Like, then [00:29:00] that's very different for other people. It can feel very triggering and this heavy thing. So it's like, just change the language. And like, if experimenting and testing and think of it as like playful and fun and light and just like Being a kid where you're like, Ooh, let's like try this thing and like being curious and like, um, it's like, how can you be curious and playful and yeah, curiosity is a great one when you're experimenting is like, Ooh, I wonder what happened because it separates us from being like, Oh, something didn't go to plan or something wrong with me to be like, Ooh, I wonder what happened.
Like, what can I change for next time? So like just approaching it with curious to just being like a big kid. Um, so feeling much more, much more hopeful, right? Like how amazing. And then like, what does it make you want to do if you're feeling hopeful? And thinking about like, trying new things and putting yourself out there.
Let me know in the chat. Um, I'd heard the phrase failure is feedback, but not resonated with it the same as testing and more fun. Yeah, that sounds a bit, [00:30:00] it's almost like maybe a corporate thing. It's like failure is feedback. It's like, well, not if you're like beating yourself up and in a shame spiral and like hiding to be able to even find the feedback.
Um, so yeah, if that doesn't resonate with you. Let it go. But yeah, testing, more fun, curiosity. So good. So taking that into your next week, months, and just being playful. I'm thinking of like life, your business, your goals, like everything just does this. It's just a fun experiment to play with to figure out new things about like yourself and about other things as well.
It will help with planning for next year. Yes, exactly. Bringing it in, being like, Ooh, what are new things you can experiment with? And it's like running experiments in your business of like, Oh, I'm going to try this. I'm going to try this. And just being playful with it and testing and learning and just bringing curiosity and enjoying, enjoying the whole process, [00:31:00] even when it's like, okay, that didn't quite work.
What am I going to do? And just dropping back and not making it mean anything about you and just being like, you are whole, you are amazing. You're enough as you are. And you're just playing in your business and testing out some ideas and like seeing what comes next. Okay, amazing. Thank you so much for all your energy and in the Q& A as well.
I so appreciate it and have an amazing rest of 2024 and a happy new year when it comes. And yeah, taking this energy and this openness and curiosity and testing playfulness into the next year ahead. Sending you so much love. Thank you. It's been so helpful. Oh, you're so welcome. And yeah, In back to you.
Okay. See you. Bye. See you in 2025. Bye.
Hey, thanks so much for listening. If this was helpful, please hit subscribe and leave a review. This helps get this work in the hands of more purposeful people. That is more people creating bigger, scarier goals, making an [00:32:00] even bigger impact in the world. And if you want to take this work deeper and work with me directly, head to the show note and I put all of the information there.
If you've got any questions or if there's anything you're like, ooh, I'd love you to talk about that on the pod, please just get in touch. I love hearing from you guys. And I'll see you next time in the Scary Ghouls Club.
