Why you're people pleasing

When you stop people pleasing, it’ll change EVERYTHING for you.

You’ll spend time on what really matters to you.

Instead of on what you “should” do (or are scared to say no to).

But saying no to someone's request isn’t a natural human response.

Instead, our brain is wired to say yes. 

Because it links saying yes to others liking us and to feeling “part of the tribe”. Which helps us feel safe.

That's why it feels really good to say yes in the moment - we feel helpful and useful, we get a thank you and feel all warm and fuzzy.

Whereas saying no is the opposite: it feels very unsafe to our brain.

Because millennia ago, saying no to the tribe would’ve meant surviving alone. 

And our brain applies this ancient thinking to modern life: taking on extra projects, attending pointless meetings, working on other people's priorities and to-do lists and dropping our own.   

We feel scared of letting people down, being seen as uncaring and not being asked again. Of being ejected from the tribe.  

Our hearts pound, our breathing quickens and our palms go sweaty at the very thought of saying no. 

Thanks, evolution.

Although saying no feels like certain death to your brain, saying yes on default probably isn’t working all that well for you right now either.

Like when you’re in your fourth back-to-back meeting that you don’t need to be in, resenting the meeting organiser and frustrated with yourself for accepting, and spending it wondering how long you’re going to have to work tonight to get through your endless to-do list.

Or when you dread opening an email from your client as you know you’ll automatically say yes to their request, even though it's going to impact your ability to deliver the other project on time.

Or when you feel a rush of guilt as you check your calendar for Saturday and realise you’ve double booked with two different groups of friends and now you’ll have to cancel on one of them.

People pleasing pleases no one.

You're working late, delivering last minute and feeling resentful. 

And those you've tried to please by saying yes aren't getting your best work - or the best you.

Yes, saying no is scary for your brain. At first.

But like any other skill, it simply takes practice.  

With coaching we make this easier: you'll learn a neuroscience-based model to train your brain to feel good about saying no (yes, this is possible for even the most enthusiastic of people pleasers!).

And when it sees all the evidence that saying no helps you and others more - instead of less - your brain will quickly adjust.

When it realises you’re still alive, the client doesn’t hate you and your friends will call you again and you have so much more time for your work and life - that fear soon subsides.

Until saying no just becomes part of what you do.

When you learn this skill, you’ll stop going to "catch-up" meetings with no agenda and resenting every minute you’re there.

You’ll stop firing your laptop back up after the kids are in bed to make a start on the budget that you didn't get round to today as you spent two hours on that impromptu client request.

And although you think people will dislike you for saying no, you'll find they'll respect you and your time more, and secretly wish they could somehow say no more often.

They'll wish they could get their work done and have time for yoga or a spin class, like you now do. 

Because by learning the skill of saying no, you're saying yes to spaciousness in your days, with plenty of time to get everything you want, done.