[00:00:00] Hi, and welcome to the Scary Goals Club. I am your host, Hazel Robertson, and I believe that to make the impact that you know you are called to make in the world, it requires setting bigger, scarier goals and then becoming the person who creates them. That is what I am here to show you how to do. That's what we are diving into with mindset tools.
Tricks. Really simple, practical, actionable steps you can take and start applying straight away. 'cause whatever you believe, we have this one life that we definitely know about. Start making the impact, you know you wanna make in the world. Fear is not a reason to stop. We keep going. We work through the fear.
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Hi, and welcome to the Scary Goals Club podcast. I am your host, ha Robertson, and I hope you're having an amazing day wherever you are and whatever you're doing. [00:01:00] And this podcast episode is gonna be a little bit different. I just wanna say thank you so much to everyone. I put like a thing up on Instagram asking if there was any questions you wanted to ask me or.
Episodes that would be really cool for me to do on the podcast or things that maybe you're struggling with and I can do some coaching around. And the responses were amazing. So it's been so fun. And I think a lot of them are things that I maybe wouldn't have thought to do an episode on. So for example, today's one, the, the thought well, oh wait, wait, hang on.
Lemme just see. I've got a few notes in my phone just because I've like scribbled down a bunch of thoughts. So this was. Just a podcast episode on motherhood and how it's changed my approach to life, which is so interesting because it's something that, it was really fun. Even just thinking about this episode and reflecting on how it has changed me.
I mean, it has changed me. And I also just wanna say, [00:02:00] you know, I have had. Miscarriages. Before I had Flynn, I've had secondary infertility in trying for another baby post Flynn. And I, I just wanna say like for anyone who wants a baby, and maybe it's not happening for you in the way that you want, or you're having challenges and struggles as well.
Like, I just wanna send a big hug. And I know that it's a very privileged position to be in, to be able to even record this episode. Like. Wanting so much to be a mom and to experience that and then not having it for a few years and trying to figure out like, is this ever gonna happen? Like I do understand how that is.
And so just think if you wanna listen to this episode, 'cause obviously it's me talking about being a mom, maybe that feels like something you wanna listen to if you're going through that and maybe it doesn't feel like it's something you wanna listen to. So I just wanna offer that. I totally get it. I [00:03:00] think when I was in the place of.
Wanting to be a mom and it hadn't happened yet. I probably wouldn't have listened to this. I probably would've just, yeah, maybe not put myself in a position to hear some things that I wanted. I dunno, it's, it's such a, I think it's such a hard thing because it's not like some goal that you can just decide, like this is one of the weirdest things about becoming a mom.
I haven't written this down, but here you go. Here's my first reflection. They go, it's like. I am used to being someone who decides what they want and goes and gets it and creates it and can figure out a way, even if it's not in the way. I thought even if it takes longer, even if it doesn't work out exactly how I planned, I can keep going and I can get to the outcome I want.
This has just felt so differently, like so different, like becoming a mom. Obviously now I have amazing Flynn, so I'm lucky to be able to have done that, but. It's [00:04:00] not like I remember thinking, cool, okay, great. I'm like, I can't think how old I was when we first started trying 34 maybe, and it was like, okay, cool.
I'll just like, maybe I'll be pregnant by the time I'm 35, and I was, but then I ended up miscarrying. But it doesn't work that way. It's like there's biology and there's nature and there's timing of things and understanding now how nutrition and stress and hormones and all these things affect it as well.
There's just so many aspects to it that some of them are in your control and some of them are just not. And it's such an odd process and journey to even embark on, especially when you're someone who is, I guess, high achieving, used to being able to like go and get the straight A's, go and get the distinction in the Masters like me, it's like, go and get the job I want.
Go and do the thing. Go and go in the expedition. I want to go on, go. And. Marry the person I wanna marry. Like all the things that I have [00:05:00] wanted, I have created, and then creating a baby, like creating a small human, did not work out in the way that I had thought. It did not happen in the way I thought. And I guess even from the very beginning of the trying of a process to become a mom was the surrender of I can be doing everything I can.
And there's still this element of. Some part of it that I can't control and that has been a theme that has very much carried on all the way through like birth and postpartum and having, and raising like a now 2-year-old is I can do as much as I can and like, you know, set up the conditions and do my best that I can.
And still you're interacting with. Another human that has their own opinions and their own decisions and their own way of seeing the world and their own things that they wanna do and not do. And it is like with any [00:06:00] human relationships, whether it's like a partner or family or a colleague, it's like we can't control another person.
I mean, you can try, but they get resentful and it doesn't actually work. But so it's how do you encourage and help someone and get the most out of them? While also guiding them and like instilling principles and like keeping them out of danger. And that has been, that has been quite a journey for sure.
Anyway, I'm digressing. Okay, so where are we at? Oh yeah, so the first, lemme see, I've got my phone here from the notes. So the first thing like that was quite interesting. That's really shifted is my belief that. When we are stepping into the unknown, when we are doing something we've never done before, when we literally have no idea how it could go, we could guess, we can imagine, we can visualize, but we don't really know when we are stepping into [00:07:00] that.
Like I fully and I believe as in my bones, that this is where the magic happened. That there are now infinite possibilities and that things are gonna work out way better than we could ever. Ever imagine, and I spent my whole pregnancy, not on my whole pregnancy, most of my pregnancy, very much thinking about everything that was gonna go wrong.
Not in terms of like birth or anything, but in terms of having a baby, how I wouldn't be able to handle it. It would ruin, Luke, an i's relationship. It would. Ruin the business. I wouldn't be able to like run a business and be a mom. It would just change everything. We wouldn't be able to go on adventures or travel or do all these things.
It just felt like this big change and all that my brain could think about was all of the things I would have to give up, how I would, all of the things that I would miss, all of the things I wouldn't be able to do anymore. So it was going to, the worst case of this is gonna be different. This is gonna [00:08:00] change, this is gonna change even the first maybe 20 weeks of being pregnant.
I was so resistant to my body and I've been so lucky, like I've never, maybe a little bit as a teenager when you're in the, like, what was that, the nineties? No, early two thousands of like reading magazines and all the tabloids, like was aware of maybe like my body a little bit. But I've been so grateful and I'm so lucky not to have ever had like body issues at all.
Like I've. I think maybe part of that is getting into endurance, running and realizing how strong my body is and food is fuel and just nourishing my body and taking good care of it, and it does amazing things. So I think that's been really helpful for me that like when I take care of my body, I can do amazing things in the world.
But it brought up, it was really interesting when I was first pregnant. All of these body issues came up and I guess especially before you have like your pregnancy bump, like you just look like you've put on lots of weight and you can't maybe tell anyone and you're tired and sick [00:09:00] and everything's, I mean, you can tell people, but it was maybe not wanting to tell people super early and just feeling like not myself and my boobs got massive.
Like all of this stuff was changing and it just almost felt, it was a little bit of feeling like out of control of like, my body's just doing this thing. And I'm kind of along for the ride, but like, I don't really like it and this isn't, I'm not like, there's all these things I used to be able to do. Like I didn't even wanna run.
It just felt too tiring and a bit like heavy and everything was like bouncing around a little bit. I just didn't really like want to, I, I did get back into running just a little bit, but for me, like walking yoga was wide during pregnancy, but it really, so I even spent the first 20 weeks, maybe even more, really not liking my body even when I was pregnant.
So it was like I was kind of resisting this. Thing growing inside me and not like imagining the worst case of it. And then not even like in my body and just being like, I feel so uncomfortable. I don't feel like me, like what is happening? Like, it just felt so almost like out of control of like, ah, this stuff's [00:10:00] just happening and this, this isn't what I want.
And it wasn't until I think maybe, yeah, about 20 weeks on, I was like, wait, I am a mindset coach. I can decide to think differently about my body. I can decide to start telling myself amazing things. About my body and about my pregnant body, even though it looks different. And so I would stand in the mirror like every morning looking at myself as I was getting changed and just be like, body, you're doing amazing.
Like, look what you're doing. You look beautiful. Like you're doing and, and you're doing amazing. And it shifted it in really just like a few week, not even a few weeks, a few days. Just a little bit of that focusing on. The positives and how I loved my body, and I think that really helped. The other piece was I then started connecting with, I found it a bit weird to like talk to the baby.
Like I couldn't, it was like advice, it's like, talk to your baby. And like I was like, it's gonna hear my voice enough on coaching calls or like general chats, [00:11:00] but I found that a little bit hard to kinda connect with it. I started imagining the baby being there and thinking about like having the baby, and that really helped me think a little bit more about.
What could ha like is in the, the good bits that could happen. But it took a, it took a minute. So the thing, going back to my point of like, what it really made me realize, so I spent really a lot of, like my pregnancy, again, thinking about everything that would change, thinking about everything I'd have to give up thinking about everything that I would like lose.
And that would be different. Like a lot of fears when Flynn arrived and. Like, maybe not. When I first saw him, I was so tired, but like when I first saw him, but also like in the days and like weeks afterwards, like getting to know him and just like feeling that intense love as well. And then as we went through and like watching him like develop and figure things out and interact with Maple, our dog and like their [00:12:00] relationship grow and then him like discovering the world and all these different things.
What I hadn't realized and what I hadn't even appreciated or been able to comprehend, I think before I was pregnant, before I had Flynn, was just how amazing it could be. And it's almost like I hadn't given myself the capacity to imagine how amazing it could be, but almost, I didn't have the capacity to imagine that.
Like from not having a baby to then having one like I like it was almost. So hard to imagine, and it's like almost so hard to explain, I guess if you don't have kids who like haven't gone through the process of it, like you, you are so attached and connected and like love this like little thing. And are amazed by like the tiniest bits of what people, when they're a newborn and they're, they can see like light and dark and they're maybe picking up different colors, or they'll like turn their head and look at you or like see you, or at the first time [00:13:00] when they're like about six weeks and it's like they properly smile.
Those things just feel magic and then just like watching this little person figure out who they are in the world and like. Watching Flynn like play tug with Maple and them just interacting. Like I just, all I was thinking about was how Maple and that our relationship with Maple would change. And of course it's changed, but I didn't think how amazing it would be that like Maple and Flynn's relationship and how he, for him growing up with this like, amazing dog and like them interacting, him giggling away and throwing a ball for her and everything.
So, and I just, it was like, it got to the point where I was like, I. I don't want to be going on big expeditions. Like I don't feel I need that. I have done those things. Like that isn't, I'm so worried about giving those things up or like, I went from working like four days a week to then after going back to work, like two days a week, it's like, how am I gonna, what am I gonna do if I'm not working four days?
And it's like, I don't wanna work from two days a week. Like everything changed. And the things that I [00:14:00] thought I wanted before that I had wanted before, I didn't want the same anymore. And I'm sure it will get to a point like where. I do like, even now, I'm kinda like, oh, it'd be cool to go on a bit more adventurous stuff.
Flynn's a little bit bigger. It's like maybe like a multi-day camp or like a bit more of a hike or something like that. It's kinda like feeling a little bit like, ooh, some of these things would be really fun to do. But I like, personally, I don't want to go off on an expedition right now anyway, like on my own and maybe at some point I will.
But like these things that I thought I wanted, that I was so worried about giving up. I don't want them in the same way right now. And I might at some point, and that might change, or like even running ultras and doing all these things, like I haven't wanted to run ultras and maybe at some point I can get into bits of it where I'm like, oh, it'd be so cool to train up and be able to do that and like again, connect with my body again.
But like the things I was so afraid of losing. Either haven't been as bad or I, I literally haven't even thought about them because there's been all these other amazing things I just could [00:15:00] never have imagined. Like the tiniest little micro moments where you're just watching this little person like become who they are in the world and figure things out, and work things out and like language develop and they figure it is just, it's literally mind blowing.
So I think, yeah. So for me, the key thing is like. I went into the pregnancy and birth really of, of thinking about everything that I would have to give up and how this unknown, it was gonna be this terrible thing. Everything was gonna change for the worst. And actually, okay, of course it's hard in some ways, and I will talk about that, but like, I had never even imagined just how amazing it could be.
Like it just didn't even, I couldn't even wrap my head around it. And so now I, I think of that whenever there's a period of uncertainty, whenever there's something that. We don't know how it's gonna work out. I come back to, it's gonna be so much better than I could ever imagine, because whatever's on the other side, like I can't even comprehend how good it's gonna be.
Like from where I am now. [00:16:00] From my current experience, I'm not gonna be able to imagine that. So that would be the first kinda key thing. Let me see. What is the next one? Okay. Yeah. I think also becoming a mom has really, it's made me like I'm always someone and, and I would do this a lot on expedition.
That's not okay. I'll say what the thing is, but I'll just, then I'll talk around it. It's really made me notice and appreciate the tiny, tiny, little small micro thing, micro moments that of like joy and connection and fun. That actually at the end of the day, what I'm imagining and like thinking back over the day.
Have been the things that have lit me up the most, and I used to get this a lot on long runs or like expeditions where you're, you're quite stripped back. You don't have, you're not thinking about bills to pay and people to contact and different things to do. It's like you're there, you have a job, you're skiing with your pulk [00:17:00] or moving with snow shoes or kayaking or running or whatever the thing is.
You have your food, you have your stuff with you. You're out in nature and you are just being, you're kind of existing, especially when I'd go out for runs with no like headphones or inputs and just like letting things kind of be, I would notice like the tiny little things. I still remember my expedition across Hardangervidda, the plateau in southwest Norway where I would just notice like the snow would come over and it would like move back and forth, almost like snakes on the top of the snow.
And I've noticed the. Ice crystals like sparkling and it would be all pinky and like the sun was just coming up or I'd notice like this, this like warm front coming in and like a big cloud and basically a dump of snow coming in. And I could see the line of where the cloud started and I was in like the blue sky, but just, or like fox prints in the snow, just tuning into these tiny micro things and.
That is something that I've been doing more now just in everyday life. Not all the time, like some of these things we're talking about, [00:18:00] sometimes it's like there's another load of washing. There's like, what am I gonna cook for dinner? I can't just eat something for me. I have to think about all of us, or we have to think about all of us, or what are we doing?
Of course, there's all of that stuff, but it has made me just slow down and appreciate the small things. Even like I still remember the first time Flynn pointed at like, this was last summer, pointed at a bee on its dandelion in the garden and went. Bee it was like, oh, and he was just watching it just like he knew it from a book and he knew the words, but just like mesmerized, like watching this bee like buzzing around on a dandelion.
And even the other day we were in the garden, he got this like digger and we, we got some like dirt and we were like digging with the dirt and we put it on a, like in a washing up bowl thing so he could like dig around in there. There was a slug that was like on the underside of it, and we just watched the slug like move around on the top, just like watching its antenna, watching where it was gonna go.
We gave it a leaf to see if it wanted to eat it. And just noticing and just being present. And I think just realizing how [00:19:00] amazing this life is, it's like how amazing to be here at all. How amazing nature is. I always think of nature as this in as infinite and especially when you have a kid and you go outside and.
You know, in the house, it's like they have their toys or they have the mu like music or he's got like a kinda keyboard thing he can play with and maple and stuff. But when we get outside there's like infinite things that could happen. There's trails he can go on the, there's like other dogs and people, there's watching the birds, there's, there's like the moment, there's brambles have all just come out so we can pick the brambles and it's just, there's so.
And, and he's so curious and picks up on all these small, amazing things. And then of course I get really excited about it and I wanna find the small, amazing things to show him and get him excited about them. So it's just really like made me really appreciate the tiniest little things, and it just adds to this whole sense of just wonder and gratitude for life and for the day to day.
And sometimes I find it quite hard, like. If [00:20:00] people are, I dunno, maybe people haven't seen for a while and they're like, Hey, how's things like, what have you been up to? Unless you're like, eh, watching bugs in the garden and picking brambles and throwing pine cones for maple and finding new trails.
And it's, it's things that maybe would be dismissed by society and like, we should be going after these big, I know this is podcast, it's a scary goals club and I'm all about setting big goals and pushing ourselves for sure. But it's like there's the, there's yes going after the bigger things that expand us.
And also on the way there, like it's never about the goal. It's never about doing the goal. It's about appreciating every single thing along the way. And I think just having Flynn has made me appreciate the tiny, smallest little things on like a whole new level. So it's like even if quote unquote, nothing happens in a day or like.
There's no big life changing event thing happening. I feel so grateful and [00:21:00] so like connected and satisfied and nourished and just feel like, I don't know. It's almost like I'm, I feel like I'm living life just by being present with whatever is going on. And again, this isn't all the time. Like sometimes I'm just like, oh, I cannot.
Face digging a digger in the door, I'm so dark or whatever, but when I can actually get into that place and be present, I just get like lost in it and it just, so I think, yeah, just appreciating the small things and realizing like how lucky we are to live where we are, to be here at all and how lucky we are, like with nature as well.
It's just like appreciating on just this whole other level feeling this deeper connection with nature as well. Okay. Um. So the next one? Yeah, the next one is, [00:22:00] I like, since having Flynn, that is what has really, really shifted me in understanding more how my brain works and in working in a way that works with my brain.
So. For example, I'll give you an example. So when, like when I used to work four days a week before Flynn was born, like in the in the business, and I couldn't even imagine working less. It was like, what would you do if you worked less time than that? Like what do you do the other days? It's like, oh, if you have a kid you can hang out with your kid.
Or if you don't, you can go and do other things in your days, like go and adventures and be in nature. And so I went back to work two days a week and. What I noticed was, because I was doing the two days a week when I was with Flynn, he was still like fairly small at the time, and so I would take him in the sling, he would fall asleep and I'd like go for these like big long walks with him in the sling.
And when I was in these walks, all like I was I out in nature, I was [00:23:00] meandering around, I was relaxed, I was open, and I was having. All of these ideas about like how to help clients or like something that I was gonna work on or something that I would do or like these creative ideas would come in a way that I'd never given myself permission to do before when I was working, like when I was consulting or in projects that I'd worked on, or even like when I started the business, I was very much this, like how I thought I quote unquote should work of like, cool, I'm at my desk and I sit down and I do coaching calls, and then I write emails, and then I write posts, and then I do things.
And like everything was very much like I was in my desk area. Whereas now, and what I learned from that year of doing that was, oh, I actually have a creative process that when I am away from my desk, that's when it's activated. When I am in nature, when I am meandering, when I don't have inputs in, when I'm just letting my mind wander, that's when the ideas come.
And I used to get a bit on runs to be fair, like [00:24:00] when I was. When I was working, I'd sometimes go on runs and I, I would get the same thing, but it wasn't something I consciously built in. I was doing the runs for exercise rather than thinking, wait, this is also a way, as part of my creative process. So I think that really gave me permission that when I started back working, it was like, oh, building in walks is part of my quote unquote, working like this is part of how I.
Come up with ideas and think of ways to help my clients and think of different tools and like bring things together and different ways of thinking about things and share things. And for now, you know, at the moment. And it's like helps me come up with podcast ideas or reels or what, just like different things that I wanna share.
Or like often I'll voice note my clients, like we have this app called Voxer app. So it's like, I call it like a coach in your pocket. It's kinda like WhatsApp. They can send messages or voice notes and I can reply back. And I love to do that like out on my walk. So then I'm in the flow of like, oh, another thing I've thought about this and like, have you thought about it this way?
Or give them some coaching on things. And I find when I'm [00:25:00] moving, when I'm out on these walks, like the ideas flow, like the creativity just flows. So that has been a huge one as well. And. I was thinking there was another part of this. Hang on. No, there definitely is. The other part was realizing, hang on, I put it somewhere else, but I'm gonna, oh God, there's so many here.
I dunno how long this is gonna be. Maybe I won't read these all. Okay. Um, the other thing is wanting to, hang on. Where is that other bit?
Yeah, so I think the other part of this is like. Again, working in a different way and giving myself permission to work in a different way is, I loved and like knew that this was really important, was to have really slow, [00:26:00] intentional, fun mornings with Flynn and with Luke and like with Maple. Just like have a really, like with up, not feel rushed, not feel like pressured to get somewhere at a certain time.
Be able to like go downstairs, have brekky read books, just play and just have a really like spacious morning. Even when I was then working that day, and especially if I was wanting to build in a walk or do some exercise in the morning, I gave myself permission to start work at 10 or to not have any, like my first call was 10 was like the earliest.
And whereas before when I, before Flynn, sometimes I would do calls at like half eight or like up till half five, and I had. Uh, you know, I was trying to fit in around with clients of course, as much as I could, whereas I was like, my mornings are so precious, they help me ease into the day. They help, like all of us connect as a family, and this is something that feels really important and I gave myself permission that it is okay to not have calls before 10.
It is okay to spend the mornings having a few cups of tea and playing and [00:27:00] just like playing in the garden if it's summer. Just meandering about just like. Having a really spacious morning where I'm not feeling like I have to rush out at a certain time. And so that has been just like I know that when I set up my mornings this way, I'm so much more calm for the rest of the day.
I'm so much more connected. Everything just feels easier than when I'm having to rush around and rush off and try to get ready or try and get up earlier to like fit in for a certain time. And I know that this is a luxury because I run my own business, like I can do that. But even. I guess it's like thinking about for you, like where, how can you give yourself permission to work in a different way?
Or maybe you start calls a little bit later if it feels like even just having that first like hour or whatever of the day to yourself to just gather your thoughts, do a meditation, be present, and just have a, like a really nice morning if that's something that like lights you up, that really works for me and that just like helps me be set up for the day and feel really present and connected.
So that's something [00:28:00] again. Having, it was like, I was so scared about how all of the things that would change and I just hadn't thought about, oh, actually, if everything's almost like completely turned upside down anyway, then maybe things will fall into place in a, like, I will build them back in a way that actually works way better for me.
And I thought it would be this worst thing of like, oh, I have a kid. How am I gonna fit it all in? I don't need to fit it all in. It will all, like, if I can just build my life in a way that feels expansive and spacious and, and feels good for me, then what a win that is. Like how amazing that is. So that was pretty cool.
Okay, let me see. Do,
oh no, my phone has just died. That's so annoying. Okay, I think I've got it on here. Actually. Maybe I could have had it up on here. Okay. Right. Where else am I? [00:29:00] Oh, no, the notes are not here. What? It's not synced. Okay. I'm gonna have to pause this and then I'm gonna have to go charge my phone.
Do you know what? I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna freeform some other stuff that comes to mind as this charges up. So I remember some of the things I wrote down. One of like, it's also been really hard. I think there was a quote, I can't remember who it's by. If you know, let me know, and I'm probably gonna just completely mess up how it said, but it was something like being a parent is like going into a job that you've never done before.
And trying and failing and trying and failing over and over and over and over again and like literally is what it feels like. And even this week it's becoming a parent has been probably the most humbling experience of my whole life, of [00:30:00] just ego has to go out the window. It's like it's not about me at all, and I can do the best I can.
But it's like figuring out, okay, maybe this thing, maybe this thing, maybe we'll try this. Okay, this thing worked this time. Great. Wait, it's not working this time. Or even like Flynn's had a huge leap developmentally just like this last week. And so there's been like behavior changes and he's getting a bit more frustrated 'cause it just wants to be more independent and needs more like stimulation and things to challenge him.
Like he's super, super smart and just needs more of that. And it's just been. It's almost like, okay, the child I thought I had seems different now and all of my parenting tools are not really working in the same, the same way. It's like, okay, now I need a new suite of tools or to figure out like what's next?
And it's just been this. That's just how it is basically the whole time. So yeah, I don't think I've ever tried and [00:31:00] failed as much ever. In my life, but then it's like trying and failing where I try not to think about this too much, but it's almost like there can feel like there's such big consequences.
It's like this is this like person's life and I am setting him up to like be in the world and be who he wants to be and make the impact he wants to make or not like whatever he like is passionate about and just like instilling belief in him as well. And. I think it's also been just learning to trust my intuition, trust my instincts.
Like I remember, I think maybe it was the first few months we had like some milestones or like parenting books and it was a little bit like, you know what? I was like, I don't want to be focused on like, is he doing this yet? Is he, yeah. It's like just like get rid of it and actually. That was probably one of the best decisions is just not.
It is like, yes, of course there's people who have skills and there are [00:32:00] tools that we wanna learn, but just trust. Like I think that's been a huge shift over the last few years, like since becoming a mom is like trusting myself so much more of being like, I know other people are doing it this way. And this doesn't feel right for me and for Flynn, so we're not doing it this way.
Or like our family. It's like, I know that there's all this advice to do this thing, but we are doing it this way or I'm just gonna like, so it's, it's definitely been a lesson in drowning out the noise. Even from people that mean, well, even from people that like have kids and like are amazing parents.
Listening and then really making like your own decision. So that's been really helpful for even just other parts of life of just yes, taking on information. Yes, learning new skills, of course, but not being like someone else knows better than me. Always coming back to putting it through whatever I learn, whatever I'm taking in now, I put through a filter of like me, my body, my intuition of.
Does this make sense for [00:33:00] me? Is this actually what I want? Or am I getting swept up thinking it's what I quote unquote should want or should be doing, and it's not actually what I want? So that's been like a huge shift, is just really listening to myself, trusting my body. Like if something doesn't feel right, I'm like, okay, we're gonna change this.
If something does feel right, like going for it, and just really listening to that. The other bit that was, I guess with all of this, that's really changed me in terms of. Even the work I do now and how I see myself and how like my own awareness of myself was. I like because I had Flynn and maybe I would've figured out another way, but I guess because I had Flynn, I figured out I had ADHD, and there's a link between, so with women, a lot of the A DHD diagnosis can come really late because.
We present differently than boys. And a lot of the research is done on like boys and young boys, and you think of these like hyperactive, misbehaving, naughty kids at boys in class. And it's like women or girls have different behaviors. [00:34:00] Maybe it's like the ruminating the thoughts or the like staring out the window or the chat, the chattiness and talking in class.
It's not always as physical and maybe as noticeable. A lot of our own. Symptoms, especially when we were growing up, aren't the like, wouldn't be the like classical ADHD adhd. So it gets missed and sometimes it can be at quite stressful points in our life that suddenly we're not able to cope. So even looking back, like I had that when I went to uni and was having to live by myself and like the coursework was a step up and that felt really hard.
Or like writing my master's dissertation, it felt like so overwhelming and I was almost like, I cannot. Structure my thoughts, put them in an order and actually write this thing. I ca like, I almost like couldn't make myself do it. I didn't like my brain just went like, and so there was a few points like looking back that I could have seen that for sure, like kinda high stress places, like quite intense for all the tools, all my systems, all my safety net almost like dropped away around me and I was like, I can't cope, like what's going on.
There is a [00:35:00] link, like, or the reason a lot of women get diagnosed a lot later is there's a link between estrogen and dopamine. Now, I don't have all the science on this, so go and research it if you're interested in it. But basically there's some periods in a women's life where estrogen shifts. One of those is menopause or perimenopause, and another is with birth or like with pregnancy.
Um, birth just after birth. So for me. It shifted when there was a few things happened at once. Flynn stopped, started eating solid, so it's about like six months. He starts weaning, having less, so he was having less milk. So there was a change in my hormones, a change in estrogen. I can't remember if it goes, is it estrogen drop?
Estrogen goes up and dopamine drops. Estrogen drops and dopamine drops. I can't remember what it is. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that those of us with a DH, D have less of. So it's like involved in so many different [00:36:00] parts, like motivate. It's like a neuro, like a neurotransmitter, like a chemical in our brain that helps us be motivated and go after goals.
And it's also linked to mood. Yeah. And so when dopamine is lower, we have less motivation. We're maybe not able to think as clearly. We have lower mood, like there's all of these like other impacts as well. So when there's this shift in estrogen, and again, this can happen in perimenopause and menopause as well, which is why a lot of women get diagnosed, like when they have kids more into their forties, into their fifties, when things are like changing.
There's a drop in dopamine and suddenly all of the A DHD symptoms. Are exacerbated, they, it gets worse. And so for me it was, yeah, feeding, like breastfeeding less. Flynn was having more solids and he also started crawling, like literally at the same time we were in Chamonix for, well we were in France and Chamonix for like two months and we came back and we just started weaning a little bit.[00:37:00]
And so suddenly it was like within. Two days. It was feeding him like three meals a day, like figuring out what to cook, feeding it to like helping him like do that, worrying that he was gonna choke, cleaning up all the meth and stuff afterwards. So having to think ahead of like, what are the different foods we're trying him with, all the prep, all the cleanup and feeding breastfeeding less.
Whereas before it was like if he was hungry, you just like put him on the boob. It's like, don't have to think about it at all. It was like, oh, I can't just feed me. I have to now think about prepping these like three meals for like this little baby. And he started crawling at the same time. And not only did he just like crawl, and then that was it, literally crawled.
And you would put him down, and this was again, a day before you'd put him down and he wouldn't move. Or he'd maybe like shuffle himself backwards a little bit, put him down, turn around, and he'd like crawled out of the room so fast. He was crawling, he was climbing and he was. It was just so, so [00:38:00] quick. So these things happened in quick succession, the dopamine dropped.
I was having to do three meals a day and figure out like the feeding the, that Flynn was also crawling and starting to like look at climbing and getting into things and was so curious and so quick. And I just, it was like. All the stuff at work, I put systems in place for that and I could, and you know, it was just me or like my clients.
I had to think about that almost felt easy. But then at home it's like there was noise. Maple would sometimes bark out in the garden. I could be quite sensitive to noise and light and it was like another input. I'm trying to figure out where Flynn is and like think about meals and then there's like trying to do the cleanup, but he's trying to crawl away over here, like pull something over and then it's like, okay, try and do the washing.
So it's always washing with kids, especially when they're starting to eat and like all over the clothes and it's like washing on and then I'd forget to hang it up and it was the domestic stuff. I was just like, I feel like I'm losing my mind. And I was getting so like frustrated with Maple [00:39:00] barking if she woke up Flynn.
And it was, I was just. Like, felt like I was having a breakdown basically, and Luke even had to, he was working, we had like a, a workspace that he was working at. He had to actually start working at home basically so he could help out around the house and do the domestic stuff. But it got to the point that I was like, I almost couldn't think straight.
I couldn't organize like, okay, I have to do meals and take this and the timing and if I try and like naps and if I had tried to go and meet a friend at this time and then Flynn hadn't napped and then he needed to like. The putting stuff in order, the executive function part of the brain of the like prefrontal cortex, the thinking, the planning with less dopamine in the system as well, which I didn't realize was A DHD.
I just like almost, it was like I couldn't think, I couldn't plan. It was just this like complete, almost like short circuit in my brain and it just felt, I was like, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like I ca like what is going on? And then was like, okay, I think it might be ADHD and then did a bit more research.
So. And then I ended [00:40:00] up getting diagnosed and was like, okay, I'm gonna take medication. This will solve everything. And they were like, you can take medication if you are breastfeeding. It's like, no. And I was almost gonna debate whether to stop breastfeeding altogether, just to take medication, but I decided not to, which I'm actually really glad I did.
Did not. And I decided, okay, I'm gonna figure out using my coaching tools, doing bits of reading, I'm gonna figure out. How to put the tools and systems in place to help me thrive even with the A DHD, even if it's unmedicated, which is what I have done now over the last like year and a bit. And what I help my clients with is like how to slow my brain, get back to feeling like myself and calm and flowy and working and living in a way that actually works with my brain and just being kind to myself and all of these things that.
It took me a lot to figure out and learn. Now I'm able to share and to help others with as well, which feels like the biggest gift. It was so hard at [00:41:00] the time, so hard. But yeah, I wouldn't have known, or maybe I wouldn't have ever got diagnosed. Maybe I would've known and not done anything. But like having Flynn and becoming a mom like that made me realize, oh, I've got ADHD
Okay. And then here we are and this is something that I now help others with and coach on and like. Share my tools for. So that feels, yeah, it's just like I could never, ever have imagined that. Like if someone had said when I was like, pregnant with Flynn, oh by the way, you're gonna be like a neuro divergent coach in like a few years.
Be like, what? What even is that? What? Like, what does it mean? So that has just completely shifted, like how I see life, how I approach things, and even what I'm doing like on a day to day. And it's like any of these things. Sometimes when it is so hard and you're in it and you're like, how? How is this gonna get any better?
It always gets better. And like when we're in the thick of it, that's when we learn the most about [00:42:00] ourselves and when we can look back, it's like, oh, I'm like, it was so hard. And also, I'm so glad it happened because I now have the experience and the tools to be able to help others with it. Like if I hadn't gone through that.
I wouldn't be able to be standing up here today and sharing these things and, and like sharing them with you as well. So yes, it feels hard, but it's a good reminder I guess, that like, however hard it is, there's gonna be a time we look back and be like, I'm so glad I went through that 'cause of what I learned and 'cause of how resilient I realized that I am.
So that's, that's been a huge shift as well. Um, all right. I think my phone might have charged, let's see what the other ones are. Okay, here we go. Let's see if I can pull up the notes on my computer just in case it goes. No, it's not loading. No, it's not. Okay, fine. Why it's not. Okay, let's see where we are.
Um,[00:43:00]
okay.
I think I'll do two more. I actually, I should have just gone, or maybe three more. Okay. So one of the big ones that I have learned has been about like becoming a mom and like raising a kiddo and wanting to do the best I can, but also I'm human and I make mistakes. And I have my own triggers and own things that come up is realizing like how, or, or going, what I have been going through a journey of is what's known as like re-parenting myself.
So it's, it's been like the craziest thing. And I, I had done like a bit of understanding of like my past self and inner child and all of that before with coaching, but not really. Whereas I've like learned it being in the thick of it with Flynn. [00:44:00] So for example, any time that we are really, really emotionally triggered by something that's almost like so out of proportion with what's actually gone on, it's because of something in the past.
So for example, I, maple would bark and I would try and get her in and she wouldn't come in from the garden and I could feel myself getting so frustrated and so. Angry and it was like, she's literally a dog. Like it's not a big deal. It's, it was like my, what I felt like my emotional response was so, felt so outta proportion from what was actually happening.
It was like a dog barks and is not coming in. But it was like I, I felt it. And what I had learned is like when I was present with the feeling and processed it through and allowed myself to be there, and actually what was underneath it was sadness. And like every time I breathed through it and processed it, I would burst into tears.
So the anger was almost this like cover up and underneath the sadness. And it was from feeling like I wasn't being listened to feeling like I wasn't being heard or [00:45:00] understood. And so it was like me trying to call Maple and her ignoring me or like not coming in really triggered, triggered like an old wound within me of like when I was a kid and maybe felt like I wasn't understood or wasn't being listened to in some way.
And so that, so it's like another example of this was, I can't even think how old Flynn would've been. One, one and a bit, something like that. And trying to get him upstairs for bed. And if you're a kid and you're playing with all your cool toys, you don't wanna go upstairs to bed and have to clean your teeth and like put on your pajamas and like say night night and be away from the people you love.
Like you wanna stay downstairs and like play with cool your cool toys and like read books and do nice things even though you're really tired. So you didn't wanna come up to bed. And he was like kind of playing around and messing around and I was tired and I could feel myself, I could feel. Me getting really, again, the frustration, anger, like rising.
And I was like, why? This is so, like I could catch it. And I was aware of it [00:46:00] and I was like, this is so out of proportion to like literally like if we're five minutes later for bed, like it's not a big deal. He's playing, he's messing around like that's all good. And what came into my head, it was so interesting, this is why like so many of our beliefs, so many of the things that we believe to be true about the world, about ourselves, about how things happen.
Are programmed, programmed into us literally before we're eight years old. Like our minds when we're really young, are really open. It's like our subconscious mind's really open and like quite near the surface as it were. So when we like hear things and take things in, they go really deep into our subconscious mind and they get like programmed in as these like core beliefs.
Which is why when Flynn's falling asleep, I'll like whisper affirmations to him. Like, you're important, your voice matters. You're strong, you're loved. Like all of these things like saying them. So these are the things that will become his core beliefs, and it will be like things that people have said, reactions people have given you as a kid, like all of this stuff.
And when you have your own kid, [00:47:00] it brings up stuff. It gets like this. These things get triggered. Things where you felt a certain emotional charge or something has like happened in the past. And the the thought that popped into my head was stop playing silly buggers. Which it's like, that is not my thought.
That's not like how I think about the world. It's like, where does that come from? And it was like, it was my grandpa who was, could be quite stern and like, didn't like messing around, didn't like playing and silliness, and obviously said to like me and my brother as kids kids if we were like playing around and messing.
Like stop playing silly buggers. And that like stuck to us and maybe we felt a bit like scared or whatever. And the reason it was so triggering, so when Flynn was messing around, 'cause it was like I wasn't allowed, I, I mean I was allowed to mess around and play, but like obviously in this situation, sometime in the past with my grandpa, I wasn't allowed to do that.
So he was having this experience where he was allowed to be like silly and playing, and my brain and body went to like, but I wasn't allowed to do that. And so it felt really triggering. And the same thing that [00:48:00] like my grandpa said to me, then came into my mind as a thought. I was like, this is not mine.
This is not my belief. This is not my story. Like I don't parent like this. This isn't who I wanna be. And I could see it and I could catch it and not get caught up in it and not react to it. And I could just, again, it was like, and I'll talk Flynn through. What I'm doing is like, mommy's just having a little bit of a hard time.
Like it's nothing to do with you, it's to do with mommy. It's like something that's just is mommy's stuff to deal with. Like mommy's okay and she's just gonna do some deep breaths. I was like breathing through it and I could feel it and again, could feel the tears come and it was just like this whole process of being triggered in some way and being like, what is going on?
And then loving on my inner child and just in that moment being like, you're safe right now. Everything's okay. It's okay to be silly. It's okay to play. It's okay to mess around. You don't have to be serious. You can have fun. And it's like allowing myself to do that and soften and like give myself a hug and then it doesn't come up as much anymore.
Like when we're able to do [00:49:00] that, it's when we don't do that, we like ignore it or we don't realize that's what it is and then we act out from it and we're like, this isn't how I wanna be acting. And so that has been just what a journey of understanding myself more because I am, don't only having to like take care of myself, figure myself out, but like.
Be emotionally calm and stable and regulated for Flynn and his big feelings and his experience, and also be kind and let him be him in the world and decide, you know, that I wanna let him play and mess around, even though maybe in some moments in my childhood, like I wasn't allowed to do that. And that can feel quite triggering seeing him messing around or being silly when I've asked him to do something again, it's a little like not being listened to part.
So, yeah, the re-parenting has been quite a journey, but I just feel like I know myself so much more, and I'm so much kinder to myself. I talk so much more kindly to myself when I feel a really big feeling. Even if I'm like, I don't really know what's going on, I'll just like give myself a little [00:50:00] hug, like give the little me a little hug, and just be so kinder and be like, everything's okay.
Everything's safe. And I know that like the more regulated I am, like as in my nervous system's regulated, like I'm in a really calm and like at ease place. Then it helps Flynn be more calm, like if I am worried or stressed or rushing around. Like he feels that, and then he's a bit like, ah, what's going on?
So it's like really on this deeper level, taking care of myself using the, like all of the coaching tools. And I just feel so grateful for all of these coaching tools I have because it's like, I just know, and like I'd heard this before and I hadn't really appreciated it till having Flynn was like. This phrase of like healing inter intergenerational patterns or healing generational patterns of like, there's stuff that maybe happened growing up or your parents had, or their parents had, or however it went back that's just passed down on default like this, don't mess around.
You know, like be serious. Like stop playing silly buggers. And it's like until when it's [00:51:00] like up to me to catch that, to not act out, to process through the feeling, be so kind to myself and not pass that on. And just be like, how is it I want to parent? So I think that's been huge as well, of just being so intentional with like how I show up in the world because it's not just me, it's how I am being affect Flynn so much.
And so that's been like a huge, huge learning and just also learning how much. How we are being right now. Like it's all historical. It's all stuff that's happened in the past is like driving, whether we're going after something or not, or we're holding ourselves back. And the more that we can understand our brain and the thought patterns that we have and the behavior patterns that we have, and be so kind to ourself and like heal our inner child and be so kind to them, the easier it is to just show up as us and not be hiding and just be who we are in the world and be our like amazing, bubbly [00:52:00] selves.
I think like, I mean, I could talk, I'm sure I could say Sure. So many more things. But I think the final piece, the bit that's really like shifted and shifted my outlook on life and perspective is building in more play. So again, this is something that. I maybe didn't bring it like build into my life as much or into work as much.
It was like, okay, working and producing and output and like I'm a pretty lighthearted and silly and playful person and I like, I just like being a mom. I'm able to be silly and like. Mess around and be really like just my goofy self and sing songs and make up songs and make fart noises and just do like, just do really silly, playful things and it feels so present.
So connecting. So fun. That is something that I have brought into her like, well, like [00:53:00] I now, during the day as well, I was going out on walks and like. Starting work a bit later and working in a way that works for me. I'll put on music and like have a dance. I will have like, I guess it's like I've been tapping into my inner child a little bit more as I've been healing her.
I've been tapping into her and getting out my like rock collection and like loving crystals and just enjoying and playing and. Being a bit silly, being a bit lighthearted, and I just find that again, like every day just feels a little bit lighter and work just feels a little bit more fun and less heavy.
And it's been so amazing 'cause I'm able to share this with my clients who are now able to like, they're doing such amazing things to heal their inner child and like creating things or doing painting or doing art, but just like done something on music, like connecting with something. That they love to do that maybe they've kind of pitched away or thought wasn't like professional and they're bringing that into their work.
They're [00:54:00] bringing that into like how they're being, they're like dressing in a really fun way. They're just showing up more as them and allowing themselves to just like play. So that has been so powerful for me as well, is just allowing myself to play. Okay. It's been a long one. I hope it was helpful in some ways, a bit of a different episode, but yeah, I'd love to hear like, what do you think?
Do any of them resonate with you? And lemme know what you think. Okay. An amazing weekend.
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